Half way there!!!

Hi everyone,

I feel like I'm finally making progress .... hopefully I am now half way and looking at a home stretch or at least a dive into 3rd base ..... well maybe a crawl across the finish line but some how or other I know that finish post is getting nearer.

I have finished my 3rd cycle (misleadingly called 3rd because it was actually 6 doses ) and have just had my CAT scan to see how it is all going....... so keep those prayers, toes, fingers and positive vibes flowing this way please. I'll let you know when I know.

I have had a fantastic week off chemo ... my nausea lifted on Thursday and my taste buds even came back to life so I have been cooking up a storm in the kitchen . I don't know if its actually edible but I like it!!!. Just as well because no body else will even taste it. Danny had a complete melt down for not knowing he would HATE my home made Kai Si Ming (sounds weird but its just mince meat, cabbage, curry paste and chicken noodle soup ....... the Scott clan used to love it!!), and Bridget is at a sleep over but if she was home would have turned her nose up and complained of child abuse.

I had my very old friends Rosa and Hugh over for lunch on Thursday and surprised them with a full on roast and pudding. It was pretty hit and miss but they said they loved it. The best thing was having a chance to listen to my very wise 80 year old friend who has had a life of great joy but also lots of really tough times .....although you would never know it because she never moans and groans and was still working as a hands on nurse/ carer well into her 60's. She lost her father in the war and her mum died of cancer at 53.

We had a good talk about what it meant to lose a mum. What I took away from the conversation was that no matter how long we are on this planet ..... and none of us really know for sure...... my kids will always know that I love them as much as I possibly can and hopefully will never doubt that fact no matter how long I live or they live. Prior to getting cancer I didn't really pay much attention to this ....I just took it for granted. I don't any more.

Most of my grief and loss associated with having cancer is about the kids .....but as I go though this journey I realise that the old saying "kids are resilient" is actually true. The real grief is accepting that my children will be OK without me ....... whenever that time comes. Hopefully in a long time. That doesn't mean they won't miss me, and will be greatly affected but the gift I can give them is to be able to love themselves and others and to be able to live as the beautiful kids they are and the wonderful adults I know they will be. Greg and I are proud of Bridget and Danny and I hope they will be loving human beings always.

Having said that it doesn't mean that I don't intend to be around to see them grow up and graduate from primary school and go off to High School and be there for all the important milestones .... its just I know now that each day is a milestone and now is what really matters not getting hung up about things I can't control ....... so I had may as well get over the future and get on with today. I also know that its not always easy being positive but ultimately its the only way to get through the mirky waters of living with cancer.

Other highlights of this week have been .......sneaking off to a fantastic movie (thanks Julie and Julie for the recommendation) "As it is in Heaven"... if you ever get the chance to see it do yourself a favor!, walking all around Alphington parks with the doggies and last Sunday me and the kids saw an owl and what we think was a platypus!!! It was probably a water rat but we are sticking with the platypus story, I was able to go walking with my girlfriends at 7 am this morning for an hour up and down Ivanhoe hills and watched Danny play basketball. I've finished a gory crime novel and have nearly finished "Holy Cow" about travels in India (a great reminder about why I won't be visiting India in the near future!)

I've got a few more days before it all starts again .

I hope you are all well ... let me know how your going and thanks to everyone for all your love and support. If anyone wants a bowl of Kai Si Ming you know where to come.

Regards
Pauline